Marriage Humour

Standard

Wife: ‘What are you doing?’
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : ‘Nothing…? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.’
Husband : ‘I was looking for the expiry date.’
—————————————————–
Wife : ‘Do you want dinner?’
Husband : ‘Sure! What are my choices?’
Wife : ‘Yes or no.’
—————————————————–
Wife: ‘You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?’
Hubby: ‘When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.’
Wife: ‘You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you!’
Hubby: ‘Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?’
—————————————————–
Stress Reliever Girl: ‘When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.’
Boy: ‘It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.’
Girl: ‘Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.’
—————————————————–
Son: ‘ Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.’
Mom: ‘Well, you have done the right thing.’
Son: ‘But mom, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.’
—————————————————–
A newly married man asked his wife, ‘Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?’
‘Honey,’ the woman replied sweetly, ‘I’d have married you, N O MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!’
—————————————————–
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I’ll be yours forever .
The guy replies: ‘Thanks for the early warning.’
—————————————————–
A wife asked her husband: ‘What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?’
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: ‘I like your sense of humor.’

广告部

Standard

有个人死了,天堂在衡量罪行的时候发现他功过相抵,于是特准他自己选择去向。
天使说:“你可以先到天堂和地狱走一圈,再来决定。”
那人先到了天堂,发现所有人都在赞美上帝,不干别的。他觉得很闷,又到了地狱,见人们正在狂欢。于是他就对天使说:“我要下地狱。”
然而,当他被投进地狱,永不超生的时候,他才看到了狂风、烈火和传说中的撒旦。
他愤怒地找到了管事的,要讨个说法。谁知管事的撇撇嘴说:“那是我们的广告部。”

二战时期英军的黑色幽默

Standard

  二战时期,德军在被占领的荷兰修建了一个假机场,由此引出了一个故事,长期以来它成为盟军老飞行员们的一个笑话。德军精心修建的“机场”机乎全是用木头建造的。有木飞机棚、木油罐、木炮台、木卡车和木飞机。德军这个假机场修了很久,因此盟军的照片专家们对它进行观察和报告的时间绰绰有余,调查得彻头彻尾。
  德军假机场的竣工日终于到来,最后一块木板钉好了。喜欢黑色幽默的英国人决定跟德军开个玩笑。第二天,一大早,一架孤零零的英国皇家空军飞机穿越英吉利海峡,向德军的这个刚刚竣工的木制机场低飞过来,在机场上空盘旋一圈后,英军飞行员从容地扔下一颗巨大的木制炸弹。

福尔莫斯和华生

Standard

话说有一天,福尔莫斯和华生去探险。
他们在繁星之下搭建了帐篷。
半夜,福尔莫斯忽然对华生说:“你对眼前的星星,有何感想?”
华生说:“我眼前有这么多星星,可能有一颗和我们地球一样,有生命存在,如果有……”
“你个蠢猪,”福尔莫斯说道:“你不觉得我们的帐篷被人偷了吗?”